On Feelings and Motivations
by sweetishfish
Summary: Lelouch senses the death of the life he has previously led, and the transformation into the hated scapegoat for the world's sins, Zero. Takes over from about halfway through r2 and contains spoilers!
1. Chapter 1

"Don't die, Shirley! Lelouch vi Britannia commands you to live!" Lelouch shook her desperately, "Live, Shirley! Shirley! Don't die on me!"

Even as he shook her, he knew it was too late. But somehow, Lelouch felt that if he stopped that would make it true. It would be admitting defeat, something Lelouch just couldn't do.

Confident in his intelligence, full of poise and self assurance usually, it was all gone now. Shirley was dead. And with her, Lelouch's school life. Somehow Lelouch knew his life as Lelouch Lamperouge was ending; this was the start. Millay had graduated; Kallen was no longer a part-time terrorist, but an open fighter for her cause. Nina was gone. Shirley was dead. And Nunally…

Shirley had meant a lot to Lelouch. Was it because she was so sweet and supportive? Was it because he had taken her father's life with his own hands? That he had hurt so much and yet she was so forgiving? Yes, in part, to all of these, but mostly Shirley was a symbol. She was the normalcy in his action-packed life. Lelouch treasured the moments he could spend with her, laughing with the other members of the student council without a care. Lelouch desperately wished he couldn't care.

The numbness was wearing off. Lelouch pushed off the realization, and quickly let a new emotion wash over him. Fury. Uncontained rage and a thirst for revenge.

"Nii-san." A young, cool voice echoed about the room.

"Ah, Rolo." Lelouch said, rising up, letting his dark hair hide his face as he once again pulled on the blasé mask of a bored young nobleman. He was good at that. "You killed her?"

Rolo glanced quickly at his older brother's face. Lelouch was calm, collected, and sounded somewhat curious. "Yes, nii-san," he said earnestly, "I had to. She knew about you. She had regained her memories of you from before." Rolo added inside, _you don't need her. You don't need anyone but me. _

"Ah, thank you, Rolo." Lelouch's eyes were shining; he was smiling that special smile Rolo needed so desperately. Rolo glanced at the limp body of the girl, bathed in blood. He felt his face tighten with rage as he remembered her chipper voice saying she'd join with them; her sweet face and voice was mocking him, saying _Lelouch treasures me more than you_. And then she mentioned Nunally. Rolo fought back a hot wave of envy and hatred. _At least, _he thought, _I am finally alone with nii-san. Nii-san will realize that he doesn't need them. I am enough. _


	2. Chapter 2

Lelouch still couldn't believe it. _The inability to accept death is a poor quality in a terrorist._ He would have to accept it. But that didn't mean he had to forgive.

Lelouch didn't grieve for Shirley. He didn't have time to. The whole of Ashford Academy was attending her funeral. Lelouch didn't. He had to set his plans in motion, and let the student council attribute his absence to grief. It wasn't really wrong; it was just more productive grief. And now Lelouch would make sure his dear brother Rolo would play a very important part in this mission.

Suzaku stood at her grave. He was at a loss for words.

"Shirley… committed suicide…?" He couldn't grasp it. Why? He had seen her earlier that day, and yes, she had seemed, well, capable of committing suicide. But… she had been recovered when he left her. Suzaku was surprised by a wave of emotion. Was it sorrow? Suzaku couldn't imagine he would ever feel anything after Euphie's death. Euphie… Suzaku's grief was replaced by anger, a hot sick wave directed at Zero, at his traitorous friend Lelouch. Why had he been allowed to live? Why hadn't the emperor killed that son of a bitch?! Suzaku had a strong suspicion that Lelouch was guilty; maybe not directly, but he was definitely linked to her death.

Right in front of Shirley's grave, then and there, he vowed he would avenge her. He would avenge all who had been harmed by Zero's carelessness and cruelty. The ends did mot justify the means, and Suzaku was determined to kill Lelouch.


End file.
